Autumn Wallpaper

Autumn has come with a hard sharp edge. My body mirrors the outside temperature – turning cold wet days into avalanches of pain.

I used to love autumn with the rains that turned the forest green. The season slowly turning into the silence of winter. Deep nature shared with friends, just memories now.

How do I interact with people and not let the conversation be stained by this autumn pain? The pain has become so pervasive it’s become the wallpaper of my life. This is the autumn wallpaper.

This “wallpaper pain” is not the excruciating pain that brings me to the floor or keeps me up all night. Wallpaper pain fogs my mind and drains the colors from my thoughts. It makes me forget to take my medications and forget that I can occupy other rooms with other wallpapers.

Wallpaper pain is not depression, although it is related. Depression feels like more of a state of being, while wallpaper pain is directly related to a medium level of pain. As I’m writing this, my pain level is increasing from sitting too long. So the wallpaper pain is actually decreasing as my physical pain is increasing towards barely tolerable.

I have a deep and strong dislike of wallpaper pain. It robs me of the ability to be creative, and what’s much worse: it makes me sharp with others. Wallpaper pain robs me of the ability to be the person I want to be. It robs me of the days and hours of my life and gives me nothing in return.

When I am in intense pain I can use it to explore the nature of pain or of my view of God. When I am in little to no pain my mind is clear to be creative: I can write, I can develop new ideas, I can interact freely with people, and sometimes I can hear God’s voice.

When I live with wallpaper pain it’s so very hard to do any of these things.

Stress Avoidance

I put so much stress on my wife. Much of it appears to be a transference from me to her.

Because of my thyroid and adrenal gland problems, (as well as my other health issues) I cannot handle much stress. The stress might come from a movie we are watching where one person does something stupid and harmful to another person, or the news, or anything having to do with “The Donald.”

As the stress starts to increase I begin to shiver inside. My brain shuts down to most logical thought, as it jumps from this one case of injustice and how it hurts people, to a related case of injustice and its effects, and then to injustices related to that, and on and on. Each case of injustice hurts my heart and increases the stress. My shivering increases which makes my normal, constant physical pain increase. A terrible spiral into physical, emotional, and mental pain.

It’s like body surfing in a river of endless white water rapids. Barely catching my breath before being plunged deep between rocks and water. Bubbles all around, but no air to breath.


I avoid talking (or reading, or watching) about “The Donald” and other purveyors of the white water injustices.

Leaving it all to my wife. She can’t use me to help exorcise her own anger with life’s larger stresses. She carries it all – for both of us.

In addition, she has to handle the stress of watching my body be battered by my diseases.

For a long time, I tried to minimize her stress by trying to hide mine. Soon, this devolved into a toxic spiral of barely contained anger and frustration, which was not good for either of us.

My current alternative is to try to recognize early when I fall into the white water rapids. Then I just stop the conversation/movie/story, explaining that the stress is overwhelming me. I know that my wife then carries the stress, but for now, I don’t know what else to do.

This process is helping me regain dry land, but my wife is paying the cost.

Dark Nights

This is difficult for me. In my life, I have chosen to concentrate on the wondrous, awesome, and beautiful aspects of life. This is not to deny the darker side, but an orientation towards the good.

When life presents me with situations I’d rather not be in, I search for the golden opportunities hidden amongst the shit. For example, I have a neurological disease that causes me much pain.

One night I was rolling around in agony, trying to look for the good and for God. After a while, it came to me that the pain was in discrete packets. Most of the time the packets came so quickly that they seemed like one endless stream. But upon inspection even this “endless stream” was a rapidfire series of packetized pain.

As I concentrated on the packets, two things occurred. First, the pain became more bearable. Second, was that there seemed to be a silver glow around each packet – an essence of God around the pain packets. God wasn’t causing the pain, nor for me was he in the pain, but he was around the pain and therefore with me throughout the night.

That miserable night, this search for meaning, helped me not only survive but to find value: God’s presence and awe.

As in this instance, my lifelong goal has been to search for the good, and to maximize it. This blog is an extension of my life’s goal. I am hoping that I can maximize the good by expressing how I got to where I am and letting other people learn from my mistakes/pain/and accomplishments.