I haven’t written for a long time, and I’m having problems with writing today.
Sitting here with me are overwhelm, and self disappointment.
I’m having seizures. Again.
Decades ago I had frequent seizures every day. Then I got a pacemaker (heart stopping = brain damage => seizure focal point). Several years after the pacemaker was implanted, my seizures went away.
Now the seizures are back, just in a different form. For the past few years I’ve noticed the seizure sequelae (the after seizure problems), confusion and extreme exhaustion. I just didn’t put it all together. Currently the seizures appear as vagus nerve issues – hiccups lasting for hours, swallowing problems, choking, etc.
These new seizures started slowly. This gave me time to remove the emotional issues – mainly PANIC. My wife was a huge help. She gently hugged me and rubbed my back. Her deep love helped me realize that the panic was not part of the physical issue. I couldn’t control the hiccups, choking … but I did have some control over the panic.
With the new diagnosis, I feel once more cast adrift. [I can hear some of my friends trying to help by saying “Look at this as a freedom, a moving forwards, and a further understanding.” But right now that’s not how it feels.]
Last time I lost my company, had to declare bankruptcy, lost my ability to read and write, and lost some ability to understand the spoken word. Emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically this hangs over me. It colors my experience of the seizures and the post seizure time.
I’m working on differentiating the past from the present. It’s hard and painful work. I feel separated from most everyone except my wife. Part of this is the deep snow and how far we live out in the boonies. Part of this is a post seizure sequela that lasts for many hours.
Part of the differentiating process is looking at my successes and failures, health and illness, extroversion and self judgment. I’m trying to look honestly, deeply, and gently at past issues and events. It feels like good work to learn and grow with.
This is the challenge I have been working with the past few months, and the main reason for not writing.
Peace to you all. Shalom.