Last night I was sitting out on our porch watching the stars appear. I concentrated on watching a blue-black patch of sky slowly show one star, then two,….
I concentrated with quiet dedication. Quiet, except for my gasping for breath.
Watching the stars was so much better than being in my body, panting.
I have a disease (noncommunicable) that destroys red blood cells. There is a parasite that lives inside my red blood cells (the cells that provide oxygen for the entire body). When the parasite spawns, it bursts through the red blood cell’s wall, killing the red blood cell, thus depriving my body of oxygen. It feels as if I’ve just run 10 miles.
But the feeling doesn’t go away as I sit watching the stars. After 10 minutes it still hasn’t eased, not even a little. The feeling of oxygen starvation goes on and on. Panic starts to creep in, and thus I sit in quiet concentration looking at the stars.
It’s so much better to watch the stars appear – blue, red, white and yellow – than to think about how thin this atmosphere of ours is. Such a thin layer of oxygen supporting this world as we know it. If I allow the air hunger to enter my mind, I’d be overwhelmed with panic.
Watching the stars appear, God’s glorious canvas, this way lies peace, in the midst of the whisper thin breath of air that keeps my body alive.
I hate the drama – a guy sitting, or on hands and knees, panting for breath, minute after minute after minute. I have no control over how others view my distress. But it doesn’t mean I have to appreciate the image.
I view myself as a strong, vibrant, healthy man. But the truth is that as hard as I’ve tried to keep in shape, this disease has much more control than I do. I’m healthy but for disease that is actively trying to kill me in an anxiety prone manner. I am healthy but for the nausea that prevents me from enjoying even the thought of food. I’m healthy but for the pain and exhaustion that so often keep me in bed.
Long before I knew what the disease was, I knew that something was dragging me down. I knew I had a decision about what I wanted my life to look like. I decided that the dis-ease was important to take care of, but far less important than helping this world become a better place. And for that, I needed to be centered, quiet, and creative.
So I sit out on the porch, watching God’s world unfold. The ease – and quiet – and stillness – all help feed my creative soul. I can’t even imagine allowing the disease to win over my life – the confusion, terror, and fog have no appeal. The way of the disease may appear easier than the struggle to to feel God’s presence and to be a creative force. But the disease-way is a false path – filled with just enough truths to interest the scientist within me, and enough pitfalls to make it a poor way of dying.