Days like today are traumatic.
Most of us who are over 40 have times when it’s difficult to remember or think clearly. But this is different.
Today, I am lost within my foggy mind. Today words get lost in the fog. Words like “refrigerator,” “door,” and “broom” just won’t appear when needed.
I’m also lost in space. In our little, temporary, home (all of 225 ft.²) I can’t seem to find where the door is or the refrigerator. There’s no panic like being lost in the woods. It’s just that nothing seems familiar, neither this cabin we’ve been living in for a year and half or my mind trying to find words in this brain I’ve been using (on and off) for the past 65 years.
This is the first time in the last six months or so that I’ve been lost in the fog. I don’t know what brings this on, nor what will make it go away.
I’d like to be able to say that writing this post is a stream of consciousness effort, but it’s not really. I really don’t have a stream of consciousness. That is, that there is no flow from one thought or one paragraph to another thought or paragraph.
Writing in any intelligible form is an immense effort to maintain a deep writing meditation. I imagine this will require a lot of editing, but I feel that it’s important to share what it’s like to have aphasia along with some other stuff. [“Aphasia is a condition that robs you of the ability to communicate. It can affect your ability to speak, write and understand language, both verbal and written.” Mayo Clinic]
On these foggy days it’s difficult, and sometimes impossible, to think things through:
• When the peanut butter, jelly, and bread are on the table with a butter knife in my hand, what do I do next and where’s the butter knife?
• With my wife asking me how were going to pay for snow tires for car, how do I add $400 and $500, and what’s a “snow tire,” and I know she was asking me a question but what was it?
• My wife says “Hey Hon, there’s more carrots in the refrigerator that’s in your office.” [Yes, I share my office with a refrigerator, a pantry, a water heater, a washer and dryer, and the freezer.] But my mind freezes when she says the word “refrigerator.” I hear the word but I don’t know what it means and I can’t ask her because I can’t say the word, no matter how hard I try.
These are just three of the myriad of things that happened to me today in this foggy world.
I used to get very disturbed by losing my way in the world and in my thoughts. But that didn’t lead me anywhere near joy. So I searched, and thought, and prayed, and I found the blessing.
I’m a brilliant guy with a good heart. But viewing the world from this honored place is not where the majority of people live. Living in this fog has helped me realize how very special that other place is and how much I want to use those abilities, to be of service to others.
I guess I’m done because my mind is going into a deeper fog. I need to go lay down and take care of myself.