One More Thing

I haven’t written for a long time, and I’m having problems with writing today.

Sitting here with me are overwhelm, and self disappointment.

I’m having seizures. Again.

Decades ago I had frequent seizures every day. Then I got a pacemaker (heart stopping = brain damage => seizure focal point). Several years after the pacemaker was implanted, my seizures went away.

Now the seizures are back, just in a different form. For the past few years I’ve noticed the seizure sequelae (the after seizure problems), confusion and extreme exhaustion. I just didn’t put it all together. Currently the seizures appear as vagus nerve issues – hiccups lasting for hours, swallowing problems, choking, etc.

These new seizures started slowly. This gave me time to remove the emotional issues – mainly PANIC. My wife was a huge help. She gently hugged me and rubbed my back. Her deep love helped me realize that the panic was not part of the physical issue. I couldn’t control the hiccups, choking … but I did have some control over the panic.

With the new diagnosis, I feel once more cast adrift.  [I can hear some of my friends trying to help by saying “Look at this as a freedom, a moving forwards, and a further understanding.” But right now that’s not how it feels.]

Last time I lost my company, had to declare bankruptcy, lost my ability to read and write, and lost some ability to understand the spoken word. Emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically this hangs over me. It colors my experience of the seizures and the post seizure time.

I’m working on differentiating the past from the present. It’s hard and painful work. I feel separated from most everyone except my wife. Part of this is the deep snow and how far we live out in the boonies. Part of this is a post seizure sequela that lasts for many hours.

Part of the differentiating process is looking at my successes and failures, health and illness, extroversion and self judgment. I’m trying to look honestly, deeply, and gently at past issues and events. It feels like good work to learn and grow with.

This is the challenge I have been working with the past few months, and the main reason for not writing.

Peace to you all. Shalom.

Dark Nights

This is difficult for me. In my life, I have chosen to concentrate on the wondrous, awesome, and beautiful aspects of life. This is not to deny the darker side, but an orientation towards the good.

When life presents me with situations I’d rather not be in, I search for the golden opportunities hidden amongst the shit. For example, I have a neurological disease that causes me much pain.

One night I was rolling around in agony, trying to look for the good and for God. After a while, it came to me that the pain was in discrete packets. Most of the time the packets came so quickly that they seemed like one endless stream. But upon inspection even this “endless stream” was a rapidfire series of packetized pain.

As I concentrated on the packets, two things occurred. First, the pain became more bearable. Second, was that there seemed to be a silver glow around each packet – an essence of God around the pain packets. God wasn’t causing the pain, nor for me was he in the pain, but he was around the pain and therefore with me throughout the night.

That miserable night, this search for meaning, helped me not only survive but to find value: God’s presence and awe.

As in this instance, my lifelong goal has been to search for the good, and to maximize it. This blog is an extension of my life’s goal. I am hoping that I can maximize the good by expressing how I got to where I am and letting other people learn from my mistakes/pain/and accomplishments.